I never really like the thought of exercising. Nor was I too keen on disciplined meals. I wanted what I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I always somehow seem to crave the things that wasn’t the best for me. The call for a late night snacks seemed to always take effect way after midnight. There were times I couldn’t even sleep because my mind was so consumed on what I desired. Now, I know you’re thinking, how was I able to lose almost 400lbs of weight in a night? Who can really do that? Was it surgery? No but I was ready for it. Was it pills? No, but I sure needed a constant regimen. Well how did I lose weight overnight? It wasn’t easy, I took the first step of realizing I had a problem.
I had a situation that I desperately needed help with. I was at the point of depression, and could barely sleep at night. I needed help and I needed it quick, because I was racing down a road of internal destruction.
I grew up in a dysfunctional environment filled with foster homes and instability. I was abused sexually, mentally and physically. By the time I became a teenager, I was already wise beyond my years. I was thinking of ways to survive that people twice my age had to deal with.
I ended up clinging to anyone who showed me any type of attention and love. So at the age of 17, I was pregnant. Just another typical teen in the projects of Brooklyn, NY carrying a baby. No one really cared to lend out a hand. However, I was in love. I wanted the idea of family, after all, I had a horrible example of what family should be like. So I settled in with a close friend of mine. He was nice to me, and very caring. This got to be it, I thought to myself. If someone could love and care for me so much then we should just get married, start a family, I thought to myself.
However, jumping into something so quick proved to be a lesson I would learn the hard way. Though he was a genuinely nice person, there were nights of disappearing acts, cheating, clubbing, drinking. I thought to myself, this isn’t what I expected married life to be like.
So I just continued to eat. I was always hungry and yearning for something, but what was it? In due time I realized that no matter how much I searched I was never able to fulfill that craving. Every entry point of erection followed with drawn out speeches of rejection. It was exhausting mentally. However, I kept on eat and snacking on junk food. Ever went into a grocery store on an empty stomach? Then once you got home you realized that you picked up a bunch of snacks and junk food, quick fixes to your immediate need of hunger? There was nothing that was able to sustain you.
That was me, feeling hungry and looking for quick fixes. Each person that let me down I ended up putting on more weight. Carrying each disappointment and hurt. Allowing the negativity and painful memories attached itself to me like plaque in arteries. There was a lot of buildup and if I didn’t get help immediately I could end up facing a heart attack. I figured a quick fix to that was to get married. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about that empty feeling. You know how you go to an all you can eat buffet and fill up on food, then about two to three hours later your hungry again? Or is that just me? Well I got married to fulfill a void and realized that I was still hungry.
There is a quote that I read once and it stated, “I used to think the worst thing was that I was going to end up alone; but the worst thing is having someone and still feeling alone.” Man, I was living that life. No one to talk to or share my deepest feelings. I always had someone to have sex with, but no one to be intimate with. It crazy how we grow accustom to snacking and never taking the time to prepare and cook a meal that is sustaining.
Sometimes we have to come to reality that what we see is what it is. We often see potential in someone and commit to the potential that we see. The harsh reality of that is they never agreed to live up to the potential that we invested in. So many times I have witnessed woman pour their all into a man or vice versa, and their partners never agreed to become who they thought they had the ability to become. I have seen the tears fall after years of toil and perseverance. It is truly a heart breaking experience.
Words could not explain the pain and hurt that I felt the day my husband told me he wasn’t coming back home. He was working out of town for almost two years, the visits seemed to have gotten shorter and shorter. The phone calls stopped coming in, and to be honest, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was working at. I was very dependent on him emotionally and financially. Regardless of the emptiness I had felt in our relationship, I believed the words that he said, as every wife should. But when he broke the news to me, I had already knew it was coming.
Here comes the heart attack. It was something I had felt so long ago, but ignored. Well, I didn’t ignore it, I just kept silent about it. You know that pain you get in your body when it’s telling you that you’re putting too much pressure and stress on it. Well yea that was the warning my body was telling me. GET RID OF THE WIEGHT! But I continued to eat, it was comforting to me.
Then he explained how he had been living with his girlfriend and he wants to be with her permanently. Right there the heart attack began. He left right after and headed back to where he had been staying. I felt hurt, angry, and sad. So much was going through my head at once. I couldn’t do anything. I locked my children out of the room, sat in the pitch dark and cried myself to sleep. For the next few days I was depressed. I wouldn’t eat, I was angry but I pretended to be doing ok. When I talked to my friends, I appeared strong and nonchalant. Mainly because I saw it coming. On the inside I was a wreck. I felt as if a train just hit me and knocked me out cold. Here comes all those feelings of rejection that I felt as a child. Here comes insecurity creeping in along with depression, and defeat. I felt defeated, I gave up.
This weight was wearing me down. I had a headache every day, I couldn’t sleep, and then when I did, I slept all day. I started having anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I was tripping hard. I was carrying so much weight, I couldn’t move. My mind began to break down, and that’s when I realized, somethings got to give. Either I can get up and exercise this weight off, or I can lay here and allow it to kill me.
The most important thing to me are my children and they needed me, so this weight had to go. I was in the shower and it was so hot in there.
I began to think of thoughts of suicide. OMG, what was going on with me, I thought. I need to get out of here. But I must honestly say that I fought myself in that bathroom for 20 minutes against killing myself. I thought of all the times I gave myself to a man in hope he would exchange it back for love. I thought about all the things that was said to me, I wasn’t enough, I was pretty, I had too many kids, I don’t have much going for myself, I don’t have a good enough job.
There I was in the bathroom thinking of all the disgusting things that happened to me. I thought about all the abuse. Times where I should’ve said no, but didn’t because of fear. Everything in me said, just die. You’re not worth living. I thought, you’re right, I’m not.
The bathroom seemed to get 100 degrees hotter. I was nauseated, sick to my stomach, shaking all over the place as my children slept peaceful in their beds. I thought about all I have allowed to take place in my life, all I could hear was end this now. Just die, then I said NO. I meant NO, for the first time it was so stern and loud. I made it to the door and opened it. In that moment I let go of everything that was done to me.
I forgave whomever hurt me. Not for them, but for me. I could no longer carry them around in my mind. They were too heavy to continue to carry. No, to what people have said over my life. No, to every guy who thought I was just a good sexual encounter. No, to every generational setback that was placed in my life. NO, to insecurities and depression. NO MORE.
I made it out that bathroom and felt free. I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders. In that instant I began to lose the weight. I was shedding the pounds. In that bathroom was all those things people thought I was. Things that people have proclaimed over my life. Things I have fed into and lived up to. Looking in that mirror was not good. I was determined and ready for a change. My appetite had changed. My palette was evolving into something more sustainable. How did I really lose the weight? I let it go.
I began to prepare my meals and eat food that sustained me. I cleansed my mind with positivity. I changed my circle of friends for those who were going in the same direction as I am. I became more optimistic about my future and who I really was.
Regular exercise of saying no and maintaining healthy communication with those of the opposite sex. A constant regime of prayer and meditation also helped keep me focused. A frequent practice of fasting also helped me shed off the weight.
I was on a journey to be rebuild mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was empowered. I felt strong. I was worth living, worth love and most of all worth my sanity. I carried myself like I was worth it. It was intimidating to some, but they didn’t understand what I went through to get where I was. I hold my head high, because I don’t look like what I been through. I am fit, and loving it!